BREAKING: Culinary Science Bombshell

PORTLAND, OR - In a study that threatens to upend everything we know about modern cuisine, researchers at the Institute of Obvious Food Science have confirmed that avocado toast is, in fact, just bread with mashed avocado on top.

The revelation comes after a grueling 3-year study costing $2.4 million, during which scientists carefully observed the preparation and consumption of over 10,000 avocado toast servings across 47 hipster cafes nationwide.

"Our findings are revolutionary," announced lead researcher Dr. Sarah Kim, adjusting her thick-rimmed glasses. "After extensive analysis, we can definitively state that avocado toast consists of exactly two primary components: toasted bread and avocado. The implications are staggering."

The Millennial Meltdown

The news has sent shockwaves through the millennial community, many of whom have built their entire personalities around their avocado toast consumption habits.

"This can't be right," sobbed 29-year-old Brooklyn resident Tyler Morrison, clutching his $18 "artisanal heritage grain toast with ethically-sourced Hass avocado puree." "I've been Instagram-ing this for like 8 years. Are you telling me I've just been posting pictures of... food? On bread?"

The study also revealed that despite the simplicity of the dish, a single serving of avocado toast costs an average of $14.50 at trendy establishments - roughly equivalent to a full grocery bag of the same ingredients.

"We couldn't believe the markup," explained research assistant Michael Chen. "You can literally make this at home for about $2, but somehow paying $15 for it makes people feel sophisticated. It's like paying $20 for air, but the air is slightly green and comes with a side of existential superiority."

Industry Experts Scramble

The avocado toast industry, worth an estimated $47 billion annually, is reportedly in crisis mode. Emergency meetings have been called at major food conglomerates to address what insiders are calling "The Great Simplification."

"We need to pivot immediately," announced Maximilian Bentley-Smythe III, CEO of Artisanal Toast Solutions Inc. "We're exploring options like 'deconstructed avocado toast experience journeys' and 'farm-to-table bread consciousness awakening ceremonies.' We cannot let consumers realize how basic this actually is."

Food influencer @ToastGoddess (1.2M followers) posted a 23-minute Instagram Live breakdown, tearfully explaining to her audience that she would be "taking a hiatus to reconnect with her authentic self" after learning that her signature dish was "literally just two ingredients that cavemen probably invented."

Economic Implications

The study's most shocking finding revealed the so-called "Avocado Paradox" - despite spending an average of $3,400 annually on avocado toast, millennials continue to be unable to afford houses.

"It's simple math," explained economist Dr. Patricia Williams. "If you stop buying avocado toast for 47 years, you might have enough for a down payment on a studio apartment in Cleveland. Maybe."

Real estate mogul Chad Richington defended the housing market, stating, "These millennials just need to make better choices. Instead of avocado toast, why not invest in cryptocurrency or start a podcast about mindfulness? That's how you build wealth."

The Plot Thickens

In a shocking twist, the research team discovered that adding a poached egg to avocado toast doesn't actually transform it into a different dish, despite restaurant menus suggesting otherwise.

"We were as surprised as anyone," admitted Dr. Kim. "Apparently, putting an egg on something doesn't create a new food category. It's still just bread, avocado, and now... egg. The culinary world may never recover from this revelation."

As news of the study spreads, support groups for devastated avocado toast enthusiasts are forming across major cities. The group "Recovering Toast Addicts" has already gained 50,000 members who are learning to cope with the reality that their favorite superfood is just "really expensive guacamole on carbs."

At press time, scientists were reportedly investigating whether pumpkin spice lattes might actually just be coffee with pumpkin flavoring, though early research suggests this theory is "too controversial to pursue."

UPDATE: Local man still waiting for his $16 avocado toast to arrive, unaware it takes 37 seconds to make.