The Adulting Mystery Continues

PORTLAND, OR - Local 32-year-old Marcus Thompson has spent the better part of three years attempting to decode the mysterious concept of "adulting," with limited success despite owning a coffee maker and remembering to pay his electric bill twice in a row.

"I thought I had it figured out when I bought vegetables," Thompson explained while standing in his kitchen next to a bag of spinach that had achieved sentience. "But apparently there's a whole step between buying vegetables and actually eating them that nobody told me about."

Thompson's journey into adulthood began when he realized he was 30 and still eating cereal for dinner while sitting on a couch he'd owned since college. "My mom asked when I was going to 'get my life together,' and I panicked and bought a houseplant," he said, gesturing toward what appeared to be a small brown stick in a pot.

The Great Houseplant Experiment

Thompson's attempts at responsible plant parenthood have resulted in what botanists are calling "an impressive streak of vegetative casualties." His current count stands at seven confirmed plant deaths, with two more in critical condition.

"I don't understand," Thompson said, examining his latest victim, a succulent that somehow managed to die despite being marketed as "impossible to kill." "I talk to them, I give them names, I even played them classical music. But they just... give up."

Plant therapist Dr. Linda Martinez suggests that Thompson's approach might be "overwhelming his green dependents with anxiety." She notes that "talking to plants is good, but interrogating them about whether they're happy and apologizing for your own existence might be counterproductive."

The Credit Score Enigma

Another area of confusion for Thompson involves the mysterious concept of "good credit," which he's been told is essential for adulting but remains completely incomprehensible to him.

"Everyone talks about credit scores like they're Pokemon stats," Thompson said. "Mine is apparently 647, which people say is 'not bad but could be better.' But better for what? It's not like I can use it to level up in real life."

Financial advisor Janet Kim has been working with Thompson for six months and describes the experience as "like teaching quantum physics to someone who just discovered numbers."

"He asked me if paying bills early would give him 'bonus points' and whether there was an achievement badge for having a savings account," Kim explained. "I didn't have the heart to tell him that adult life doesn't come with a rewards system."

The Fitted Sheet Impossibility

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of Thompson's adulting journey has been his ongoing battle with fitted sheets, which he has declared "a conspiracy against human happiness."

"I watched seventeen YouTube videos and my sheets still look like I'm trying to gift-wrap a mattress," Thompson said, displaying what appeared to be a textile art installation rather than a bed. "I've decided that anyone who can properly fold a fitted sheet is either a wizard or a liar."

NASA engineers who were consulted for this story confirmed that fitted sheet folding presents "significant geometric challenges" and recommended that Thompson "just stuff them in the closet like everyone else."

The Support Group

Thompson recently joined a support group called "Adults Pretending to Be Adults," where he discovered he wasn't alone in his confusion.

"Everyone there is just winging it," he said with visible relief. "There's a 45-year-old woman who still calls her mom to ask how long to microwave leftover pizza, and a 38-year-old man who recently learned that you're supposed to wash your sheets more than once a semester."

Group leader Dr. Patricia Winters, herself a 52-year-old who admits to having "no idea what she's doing most of the time," facilitates sessions where participants share their adulting failures and celebrate small victories.

"Last week, someone successfully scheduled their own dentist appointment," Dr. Winters said proudly. "We had cake. Store-bought cake, because none of us know how to bake, but still."

Recent Developments

Thompson reports some progress in his adulting journey, including successfully keeping one plant alive for three weeks and discovering that "good credit" might be related to paying bills on time rather than paying them enthusiastically.

"I also learned that having a 'grown-up' apartment doesn't mean you need to get rid of all your fun stuff," he said, gesturing to a corner where his childhood Pokemon cards were now displayed in what he calls "a mature, sophisticated manner" (in frames instead of a shoebox).

His biggest breakthrough came when he realized that most adults are "just tall teenagers who learned to fake confidence and remember to wear pants with buttons."

Thompson was last seen attempting to fold a fitted sheet while his surviving plant watched in what appeared to be concerned silence.