The Great WiFi Password Investigation

SEATTLE, WA - A groundbreaking cybersecurity study has revealed what millions of coffee shop customers have suspected but never dared to hope: most trendy cafes protect their WiFi with passwords so obvious that even your grandmother could guess them on the first try.

The comprehensive research, conducted by the Institute for Obvious Cybersecurity Solutions, surveyed 2,847 coffee establishments across 23 major cities and found that 73% used variations of the world's most predictable passwords.

"Our findings show a shocking lack of creativity in the artisanal coffee password space," said lead researcher Dr. Jennifer Walsh. "We found 847 instances of 'password123,' 623 uses of 'coffee123,' and one establishment that simply used 'password' - which, honestly, we respect for its minimalist approach."

The Hipster Revelation

Local hipster Kyle Mackenzie, 26, expressed devastation upon learning that his "secret" coffee spot, Brew & Existential Dread, uses the same WiFi password as every Starbucks in America.

"I thought I was part of something exclusive," Mackenzie said while adjusting his vintage glasses and involuntarily stroking his artisanal beard. "I've been telling people about this 'underground' place for months, but apparently anyone who can spell 'latte' can access their internet. My whole identity is built on knowing obscure places."

The revelation has caused what sociologists are calling "hipster password crisis disorder," with symptoms including sudden interest in mainstream coffee chains and the disturbing realization that exclusivity might be a marketing myth.

The Research Methodology

Researchers employed what they call "the grandmother test" - if a 70-year-old woman could guess the password within three tries, it was classified as "embarrassingly obvious." The study found that 89% of coffee shop passwords would fail this test spectacularly.

Common password patterns discovered include:

  • "coffee" + any three-digit number (usually 123)
  • The establishment's name + 123
  • "espresso" with creative spelling variations
  • "caffeine" + the year the shop opened
  • "getout" (used by one particularly honest establishment)
  • "freewifi" (an optimistic choice)
  • "password" (minimalist but functional)

"We spent three months on this research, but we could have saved time by just trying 'coffee123' at every location," noted research assistant Tom Chen. "It worked 67% of the time, every time."

The One Exception

The study did find one coffee shop that used proper cybersecurity practices: "The Paranoid Bean" in Austin, Texas, which requires customers to complete a security questionnaire, provide two forms of ID, and solve a riddle before receiving a randomly generated 16-character password that expires every 20 minutes.

However, the shop has reported a 94% decrease in customer retention, with most patrons choosing to use their cellular data rather than navigate the security protocol.

"We take our customers' digital safety seriously," said owner Marcus Rodriguez. "Sure, we have no customers, but the three people who do come here have excellent cybersecurity habits."

Regular customer Sarah Kim noted, "I come here for the challenge. It's like an escape room, but with better coffee and more existential dread about data privacy."

Industry Response

The coffee industry has responded to the findings with what can only be described as aggressive indifference. The National Coffee Shop Association released a statement reading: "Look, we're trying to sell overpriced beverages to people who need caffeine to function. We're not running Fort Knox here."

Coffee shop owner Maria Santos defended the practice: "My customers come here to Instagram their food and pretend to work on their novels. They don't need CIA-level security - they need to post pictures of their avocado toast. 'Coffee123' gets the job done."

The Unintended Consequences

The study has had unexpected side effects throughout the hipster community. Several "secret" coffee shops have reported an influx of mainstream customers who discovered them through the password study, leading to what one barista described as "a gentrification of our gentrification."

"Now my secret spot is full of people who found it through a cybersecurity report," complained regular customer Brooklyn Martinez. "They're not even wearing vintage band t-shirts. Some of them are drinking regular coffee instead of oat milk cortados. It's chaos."

Meanwhile, cybersecurity experts are using the findings to educate the public about password security, though they admit that "password123" is still more secure than 45% of personal email accounts.

The Institute for Obvious Cybersecurity Solutions is currently conducting a follow-up study on gym locker combinations, with preliminary results suggesting that 80% are either "1234" or the owner's birthday.