Botanical Behavioral Analysis Reveals Plant Psychology

APARTMENT 4B, BROOKLYN - What started as routine plant care has evolved into a complex psychological relationship after resident Maria Santos discovered that her fiddle leaf fig's health directly correlates with the quality of her life decisions, leading botanical experts to investigate what they're calling "judgmental plant syndrome."

The plant, nicknamed "Fernando" by Santos, has reportedly been thriving during responsible life phases but developing mysterious ailments whenever Santos makes questionable choices, particularly regarding her dating life and career decisions.

"It started subtly," Santos explained while gesturing toward Fernando, who was dramatically drooping despite adequate light and water. "A few brown spots appeared right after I texted my ex at 2 AM. Then an entire leaf dropped when I quit my job to become a TikTok influencer. At first, I thought it was coincidence, but the timing is too perfect."

The Evidence Mounts

Dr. Jennifer Walsh, a plant behavioral specialist at the Urban Botanical Institute, has been documenting Fernando's responses to Santos' life choices for three months and confirms the correlation is "statistically impossible to ignore."

"Fernando's leaf health follows Santos' decision-making patterns with 94% accuracy," Dr. Walsh reported. "During her brief relationship with 'that guy who collects vintage cereal boxes,' Fernando developed what appeared to be plant depression. When she ended it and enrolled in graduate school, Fernando literally grew three new leaves overnight."