Legal Drama in the Fitness Industry

ANYTOWN, USA - In an unprecedented legal case that has fitness lawyers scrambling, a gym membership belonging to 32-year-old Jake Morrison has achieved consciousness and filed a lawsuit for emotional abandonment after three years of complete neglect.

The membership, represented by the law firm of Unused & Abandoned Services, claims it has been sitting in Morrison's wallet since January 2021, watching other cards get regular use while feeling "purposeless and forgotten."

"My client has suffered tremendous emotional distress," said attorney Linda Martinez, herself a reformed personal trainer. "For 36 months, this membership has witnessed Morrison's daily life through his wallet - seeing restaurant receipts, coffee shop purchases, and streaming service charges - while never once being used for its intended purpose."

The Membership's Testimony

In court documents that legal experts describe as "surprisingly eloquent for a piece of plastic," the membership detailed its experience of "chronic loneliness and existential confusion."

"I just want to fulfill my purpose," the membership stated through its translator (a fitness tracker that also claimed consciousness due to lack of use). "I was designed to help someone get healthy and feel good about themselves. Instead, I've become a $30-per-month reminder of broken promises and good intentions."

The membership's testimony revealed the psychological toll of witnessing Morrison's daily routine: "Every morning, I feel him grab his wallet, and I think, 'Today's the day!' But instead, we go to the donut shop. Again. I've seen more bakery receipts than exercise equipment."